Courage and Miscellaneous Things!

It was just a day like any other. I checked into my tweet deck to send few tweets and read some as well. For some X reason I visited the website of one of the writers that I happen to follow on twitter - Caroline Smailes. I have visited her site numerous times to read specific posts and leave 'pick me' comments but never took the time to leisurely look around and that’s just what I did on that day. Look around. That’s where I found it and it hit home; hit hard I must say and since then I have spent serious time in self-contemplation.

She talks about how a reference to someone as a ‘nearly woman’ got her into facing her now or never moment. Well what that Richard and Judy show did to her, her blog did to me. It pierced right into my mind, like I was shot or something. Lord! I was that 'nearly woman' wasn't I? Yes, yes, no point in denying now; it’s me alright. On hindsight, it is clear to me that all my life, I have been someone who has ‘nearly’ done something, ‘nearly’ achieved something, ‘nearly’ loved someone, ‘nearly’ experienced something and the like.

Look at my resume; it is an assortment of Bachelors in Computers, an MBA, and another Masters in Financial Economics, scholarships galore showing maybe I was somewhat good with multiple things. Traditional Indian heritage and upbringing ensured I was trained in classical dance and music. I seemed to like talking enough to be a decent orator through collage and put a few gold on the wall. I dabble in a bit of writing on this blog. To my eyes today, I look like a poor imitation of a Jack of All and definitely Master of none. But what really was my passion? What was my dream? The one thing I have been really passionate about all along (it should have been obvious to me long before now) was a good story. Writing was therapeutic, it was a hobby and though I haven’t openly admitted it, it was a dream too.

Every step in my life was a challenge. Nothing came easy, nothing landed on my lap and I for one was never ever lucky. But that did not stop me. I have fought every step of the way, fought for an education, fought for my right to live and fought for my family. People who are familiar with my story know all this and some. I truly believed that “Courage is not always a loud shout or roar, but a quiet voice at the end of the day saying I'll try again tomorrow” and try try and try is all I did. So you can ask now, is this self wallowing? No!

It’s me questioning myself, that, if indeed courage meant to keep on trying and never giving up, and I seemed to have done it determined to live and do something, then why was I not showing the same courage to make my dreams come true? What kept me at bay? What made me a ‘nearly’ person?

The roller coaster ride of life teaches us not to be afraid of facing challenges but I think I am afraid of failing myself and failing my dreams. After doing everything I can to stay afloat in this world, taking a shot at my dreams is the one thing where I lack self confidence. I determinedly never write about serious stuff or things that mean more than they should (reason why my blog is just about the frivolous). Inspite of all the stories and stars in my eyes, I just dare not share them. My heartfelt admiration, to Caroline and others who had the courage to live their dream. Now it’s my turn to decide, will I try to give my dreams a chance or remain as someone who ‘nearly’ tried?

“If you want it to happen, you must make it happen. If you let it happen, you won’t like what happened” 

- KPR